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Archive for the ‘Humour (English)’ Category

I have certain views on this Scottish idiosyncrasy , and as a result I think I have one (1) golf picture on my flickr site. Imagine my bemusement when I was invited to add my image to Great Golf Pictures, and I am now a Great Golf Pictures Award Winner! I think it is honest to say that the picture below reflects my feelings about this. Have a nice day, and keep golf in the family.

Archie Bunker

Archie Bunker

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This article is from the humor archives. Think outside the box.

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

“Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.”

One student replied:

“You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.”

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

“Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

“Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work uut the height of the skyscraper.

“But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l/g).

“Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

“If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’.”

The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

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For those without the bard’s gift, there are numerous sites out there now that will generate insults to order. Here are a few of the better ones, with the fewest actual curse words:

  • We leak in your chimney 
  • You are a candle, the better burnt out!
  • If you spend word for word with me, I shall make your wit bankrupt
  • Thou has not so much brain as ear-wax
  • Thou wert best set thy lower part where thy nose stands
  • Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee
  • O teach me how I should forget to think
  • I would not have such a heart in my bosom, for the dignity of the whole body
  • Confusion now hath made his masterpiece

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Have a look.

Also take a look at the one where Star Trek meets Monty Python.

We interrupt this film to apologise for this unwarranted attack by the supporting feature. Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality, and are now taking steps to remedy it.
Projectionist, “Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life”

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Here is a little website with a few stories that made me smile. and also made me think of some friends on a wonderful rocky isle…

————————————————————————–

Bedtime

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…. “Da-d….”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

——————————————————————–

It was a dark and stormy night…

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”.
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
“I can’t dear” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room”.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy”.

————————————————————————————————-

Your Loving Mother (does this remind you of anything you may have heard on the radio?)

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.

You won’t recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn’t working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven’t seen them since!

About your father – he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your Aunt Harriet took a flight from New York to Los Angeles last week, said it was the first time she had ever arrived somewhere before she had left. Last time she thinks that might have happened, the doctors said it was Altzeimer’s disease.

Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn’t have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year’s day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes – your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother’s funeral wasn’t made, up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

PS I was going to send you ten dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.

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“Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.”Unknown
It's eating my thumb!

“Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.”Kin Hubbard
Car Wash!

“Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?”Francois de La Rochefoucauld (also mea culpa)

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I recently rented the first few seasons of the X-files when I was sick. It was one of the more interesting series on TV, and had a fairly fanatical following. Personally I enjoyed some of the episodes while others left me cold. But usually the plotting and the writing were solid, without too many bloopers, and Mulder and Scully were interesting characters..

Here are a couple of incongruities or synchronicities that I found kind of cool:

  • The last two people in an Arctic outpost commit a simultaneous suicide with pistols. You see the building from the outside with the wind and the snow howling through the night, then you hear the two pistol shots go off. Five to ten seconds later you see the light in the window go out. While dramatically compelling, who turned out the light?
  • An executive goes into his state of the art washroom off his sumptuous office. Some of the facilities malfunction and he tries to leave after the lights go out. He swipes the card reader for the lock on the inside of his private washroom which only has an entrance to his office. When he swiped his card he electrocuted himself, which was the plot hook to the rest of the episode. But why does the bathroom in his private office have a lock, and why is it on the inside of the bathroom door, and why do you need a special ID card to operate it?
  • Mulder’s apartment number is 42! I guess his apartment is the answer to….
  • There is an amazing number of faulty light switches in the series. I know it’s an accepted deux ex machina, but it would be nice to have something horrible happen in glowing incandescence or at least fluorescence. Daylight might be even better (but I think they saved it for the movie).
  • They always have flashlights, the flashlights always work, and they are always weak lights. I would have liked for a case where a flashlight died in a time of possible peril, and then Scully would say, “Just a second, here’s some spare AA’s”.
  • There was a suspect in a small town who had some brain damage. Scully ordered a PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan to check on the actual damage. Usually this is done only at major universities or hospitals, because you need a cyclotron in the vicinity to make the short-lived radio-isotopes (about a two hour half-life) required to perform the scan. I guess there was a convenient particle accelerator in the neighborhood?
  • One of my favourite episodes was the three part sequence Anasazi, The Blessing Way, and Paper Clip. However, one unique element was the longest sequence of telephone tag as a plot element that I have ever seen. It lasted through most of The Blessing Way and part of Paper Clip. They kept missing each others calls, and never had time to check their answering machines.
  • There was a really cool episode that made light of itself. It was called War of the Coprophages, and basically made fun of the main characters, the classic plot of insects invading and destroying a small town, and a few other aspects that I will leave for your enjoyment. One classic element that brought a smile to my face was the panicked populace raiding the drug store. During this there was a quick clip showing a U.S. Navy sailor grabbing chocolate bars and packages of nylon pantyhose; it brought back a nostalgic World War II feel for those who noticed, and it also indicated the motivations of the sailor in a nice way.
  • In the episode Jose Chung’s From Outer Space they made fun of abduction stories. One sequence that was surreal involved the two Men In Black, played by a disturbingly articulate and insightful Jesse Ventura and a strangely silent Alex Trebeck.
  • In Quagmire they were investigating the possibility of a Nessie called Big Blue in a lake, after the deaths of several people on the lake shore. In one sequence they were searching in a boat at night and were hit by a large object that they observed moving towards them on the fish-finder. The boat sank and they were stranded on a rock at night in thick fog. While they were sitting there waiting for the light (for some reason they didn’t want to go into the water) Mulder started this conversation:

    Mulder: Hey Scully, do you think you could ever cannibalize someone? I mean if you really had to.
    Scully: Well, as much as the very idea is abhorrent to me, I suppose under certain conditions a living entity is practically conditioned to perform whatever extreme measures are necessary to ensure its survival. I suppose I’m no different.
    Mulder: You’ve lost some weight recently, haven’t you?
    Scully: Yes, yes I have. Thanks for n– (Scully glares at Mulder and he laughs)

    In the next sequence, they heard something moving towards them in the fog. They draw weapons and tensely wait for attack. They see a dark object barely poking above the fog. Then they hear it. “Quack, quack, quack…” and they relax, wondering if it will get close enough for supper. A few moments later they hear a massive movement of the water:

    Scully: What was that?
    Mulder: It ain’t no duck…

    Then through the mist they see one of the citizens approaching them through the water. He tells them he’ll guide them to shore. They ask where he put his boat. He tells the intrepid FBI agents that they are 20 yards from shore (the fog was thick…)

My only other comment is that I’m starting to enjoy the series again, partially for the humourous episodes I’d never seen before, the often surprisingly subtle dialogue, and the compelling yet very understated acting. Also, it’s kind of neat to see the clothing styles, cell phone styles (they’re really in love with them), and hair styles evolve surprisingly swiftly from season to season. Of course there are the unchanging constants of Mulder’s messiness, Scully’s neatness and 80’s professional power look, the generally wet scenery, and the low lighting costs in every episode. Finally, I would argue that Mulder does smile and have an expressive face. I usually see him smiling at least once per episode, and Scully once per every second episode.

End quote from the opening credits:

The truth is out there

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