I have this goofy set of friends who like AD&D. At one time I also had this affliction but was weaned out of it by Kay’s The Fionavar Tapestry and electroshock therapy. One of my friends is still a strong fan. I still appreciate some of the fun involved.
Anyway, here is some selected “humour” related to Dungeons and Dragons.
Find your inner Druid: an aptitude test for your ideal character. I’m supposed to be a Neutral Half-Elf Ranger Druid and follower of Silvanus (well, at least it is Celtic).
A D&D Comic: The Order of the Stick
Spells Not Worth Mentioning:
- Charm Self
- Delayed Blast Flatulence
- Differentiate Without Error(hey, you never know…)
- Deny Reality
- Dispurse Self
- Extension Cord I, II, and III
- Invisibility to Inanimate Objects
- Magic Missal
- Otto’s Irresistible Disco-Duck
- Power Word, Smirk
- Tenser’s Formatted Disk
- Tenser’s Slipped Disk
- Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
- Vampiric Breathing (perfect for harassing phone calls)
- Wall of Velcro
Famous Last Words:
- “No really. I can do this.”
- “I open the coffin…SLOWLY.”
- “Boost me up.”
- “A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich.”
- “I follow them.”
- “Let’s go in.”
- “Let’s not go in.”
- “Whaddya mean, a pentagram only has FIVE sides?”
- “Trust me.”
- “I never get lost.”
- “I try to move silently in plate armor…”
- “This 250′ wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb.”
- “Why is this man speaking in sign language?”
- “Well …, I’ll touch it again”
- “I’ll scout ahead.”
- “I attempt to disbelieve”
- “Hey guys…wait up.”
- “I never get to have any fun!”
- “Here kitty, kitty, kitty…”
- The Ultimate Famous Last Word: “Oops.”
- Cast “Grease” at the top of the stairs as the victim begins his descent.
- Give the victim a marshmallow. Cast “Enlarge” on it while they are chewing.
- Spread a rumor in the local mages’ guild that the victim’s plain old quarterstaff is actually a long-lost artifact of great power. It is so great, it has the power to mask it’s natural abilities and hide the evil intent of it’s wielder. But be careful!, it holds many powers and to get it away from it’s wielder, they must be sneaky. Sit back and watch what lengths mages will go to to take the staff.
- Cast “Alarm” on someone’s chamber pot.
A Monk and a Leap of Faith
The Grandmaster of Flowers, Grandfather of Assassins, His Holy
General Priest of Tyr (or some other lawful good god), and the King of
Corymr were talking. They ended up in an argument about whose followers
were the toughest and most obedient. They all decided to find the best
of their best and hold a tournament to see whos was most loyal. Each of
the four tried and tested their followers to see who was the most
powerful and most loyal.
At last they were all ready to compete. They met at the edge of a
cliff. At the bottom of the 50′ drop was a lake and in the lake were
poisonous snakes, piranhas, and a dragon turtle. The only way out
was to swim 200 yards across the lake, onto an island. The island was
covered with lizard men and trolls. After passing through them, the
followers would then have to enter a cave that led through a red
dragons lair and would finally allow them to exit back near where they
Looking at his Royal Knight, the King of Cormyr said “Sir Knight,
for the honor and glory of the kingdom I want you to cross that lake,
and return here through the cave.” Looking over the scene, the knight
replied “I am sorry my lord, but that is sure death. I cannot do it.”
Smiling, the Priest of Tyr turned to his paladin and said “You are
the might of Tyr, most loyal and trust worthy follower. You know the
task, accomplish it and receive the blessing of our Patron.” Shaking
his head slowly, the Paladin replied “I cannot do what you ask.”
The same thing happened when the Grandfather of assassins tried to
send his man over the cliff.
The Grandmaster of Flowers turned to his follower and said simply
“Do it.” Without so much as batting an eye, the Monk dove off the
cliff and into the water. In a flash he was across the lake and
entering the jungles on the island. As the group waited in
anticipation, the heard a distant roar and flames came licking out the
end of the cave. Shortly there after the brave young monk came running
out, burned, battered and bleeding, but alive.
The Grandfather ran over and hugged the young monk. “Son” he said,
“Truly you are the pride of all of the monastery. Ask for anything,
anything at all and it is yours.”
“All I want” he replied, “is to find out who the son-of-a-bitch
was that pushed me….”